What brought me here:
Growing up, I was a sensitive, strong little lady. I’m proud to say that I still am. The truth is, there were various mental health conditions in my family. The people I loved most got treated by the world as if they were only their symptoms. Without realizing it, I had started to develop the capacity to separate symptoms from character very early in life. In the face of so much pain, anger, suicide attempts, and anxiety, all I could see was the soul tormented by chemical imbalances and limitations... crying out for peace or some form of relief. I watched the effects of ineffective medications, in the wrong doses. I was a child picking up the phone to call for help, unknowingly growing up so young. This began to shape my perspective of the world, and how I saw my role in it.
From my own traumas and chemical makeup, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and shortly after, PMDD. Generic prescriptions and hormonal birth control were not going to be a part of the path I chose. For many years, I got out of my anxiety’s way and made sure it stayed more comfortable or validated than me. Then I resorted to numbing or avoidance. Fresh out of high school, I started out with the intention to study psychology and art education to land a spot in the art therapy world. Financial strain and rebellion led me to start my own brand instead, fully pursuing a career in the arts. I felt the thrill of basement art shows in the DC scene, and the intoxicating buzz of NY Fashion Week.
There was always a shoot or place to be seen that I thought would be “the one”. I could thrift an outfit and hand-paint it with my art, and turn heads in a room. Some aspects felt too easy, and others felt like I was constantly clawing at something unreachable. Then sexual assault hit. Like a parasite stealing nutrients from something not even fully developed yet. At first, I tried continuing to create through my processing. Poetry became my medium at that time. And in that I did find solace, and some early confirmations of my self-power. But I wasn’t actually healing deeper than surface level. Jumping from dark nights of the soul to packaging them up into rushed, seemingly glamorous content to scroll past became damaging to my self-worth. I fell out of love with the clawing, the networking. My own pursuit started to just feel like a conveyor belt, and I wanted to get off. So I did.
I had to take a step away. I was forced to. I chose breaking down in the middle of the Redwood Forest to come face to face with the ugly I felt inside. I chose moving to Hawaii because of a dream I had...to learn to trust in the abundance. These were my first large gaps away from social media for such an extended time, and it completely changed me. I could hear my own voice again. I came face to face with some of the damages I had been denying. Accumulated life traumas. It had nowhere to go because I hadn’t allowed myself to fully stop to look at it. So I did the work. I fell out of love with needing to prove that I was okay. All signs always pointed me back- internally. That was my university. Over time, I became more and more dedicated to improved nutrition, therapy, cycle syncing, taking the right supplements for me, getting physically active, establishing better connections, examining how I define success, self-worth, how I source my confidence, and so much more.
And in all that excitement of all I discovered within, it didn’t take me long to stop and confirm what I find immeasurable value in. But as I tried to credit my transformation to one truth, I realized that I just couldn’t. That’s why I found a home in the Institute of Transformational Nutrition. I was able to study a holistic framework that honors how our physical, psychological, and spiritual health are inseparable.